20 January 2007

Lookit all them people goin' presidentin'

BREAKING: As of today, 600,052 people are running for president in 2008, and they all want your attention RIGHT NOW.

You, the idiot voter (and let's face it, you're pretty dumb), need to be aware that the future of America is at stake. Furthermore, you need to be reminded of this approximately 8.2 trillion times before 4 November 2008.

In order for me to spare you some of the impending agony, allow me to summarize the next two years for you.

Democrats, once done bashing each other as they either race to the middle, the left, or some obscure point in between, will basically be chanting "George W. Bush is a sonofabitch and I, Hillabama, can do a helluva lot better, along with my trusty sidekick [insert name of person I beat to a pulp in most primaries but adds geographic or even *gasp* racial or gender diversity to my ticket here]. After all, I didn't fuck up a war or sell the country to Chinese creditors. And don't forget the children!!! Oh, the precious children!"

Republicans, on the other hand, will be mildly more subdued, at least once their field of candidates figures out just how right of center they should be. Their message for the general election campaign will be as follows: "Hi, I'm John McCain, and you should know that I was against George W. Bush before I was for him, and then against him, and then for him, and then against him, again. Anyway, that doesn't matter. I'm here to WIN! Plus, me and Rudy got enough guns between us to take care of whatever terrorists threaten our oil or our money. Who wouldn't want a rootin'-tootin' maverick cowboy and a badass I-talian running the country, together?"

There you have it friends. Do yourselves a favor and cut your cable lines, remove the antennae from your radios, and block all news websites on your computer. Get yourself an iPod and a Netflix account, because we have now, finally, entered...

The Era of the Perpetual Campaign (TEPC).

Don't forget to vote on Tuesday, 4 November 2008.

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