Sunday news: let's embrace our trashy side edition

Are you looking for something more?  Are you looking for something less?  Are you looking for anything at all?   Join me in today's somewhat-weekly exploration of things that make the world tick.

• Six reasons to have casual sex.  No additional comment is really necessary.
• U.S. to WikiLeaks dude:  We gon' find you.  Even if we have to make stuff up.
• It's a well known fact that visitors to U.S. National Parks have an average IQ of -12.  With a cell phone, this goes down to -57.
• More in the e-readers are cooler than books saga. 
• Tired of motorcades?  Blame Theodore Roosevelt. 
• So Obama is the next Reagan?  Yee haw.  Let me just start packing my bags now.
• Coverage of Australia's PM has a sexist bent.  Are we supposed to be surprised?
• Speaking of Australia and it's super weird electoral system, they're in electoral limbo for an indefinite period.
• Continuing on the sexist line, were you aware that women are fully capable of managing tough things like nuclear weapons policy?  O.  M.  G. 
• DC Mayor Adrian Fenty has determined that being a dick to the entire human race may not be the best strategy, so he's gonna do better next time 'round.  I don't buy it.

Well now, that's that.  Don't you feel enlightened?  Ladies, don't go nuke anything.

Let's make David Miliband feel better

So here I sit, reading the news o' the world, and suddenly I learn that David Miliband is sad.  And perhaps a little angry.  And that's bad.

Why?  Well, of course it sucks that Israel went and forged British passports.  That's all sorts of illegal, especially when said passports were used to ferry around assassins.  Then again, this is the government of Benjamin Netanyahu we're talking about here, so being belligerent and nasty little trolls is basically all they know how to do.  Anyway, why is sad David Miliband a bad thing?

Because he's the world's cutest foreign minister, obviously.  I mean, just look at the sad face picture.  Don't you just want to hug him?  And he's grown that little sprig of gray since taking the Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs gig.  So let's all fly to London and give David Miliband a hug.  I mean, he's got to deal with mean Israelis and and upcoming election that could have some pretty big implications for his future career.  He clearly needs a hug or three.  :)

Just an asteroid miner's daughter

I do just love it with ethics, international law, and totally ridiculous schemes for outer space coalesce to form a nice little nerd loaf. Take, for instance, this discussion on the ethics of mining asteroids. On the one hand, there's enough metal in those things to build star ships. That's right, star ships! Warp speed and what not.

On the other hand, the glut of materials on earth's raw materials market would basically shutter the economies of entire nations, including some pretty big ones. Is warp speed worth mass starvation? Depends on the particular brand of nasty capitalist you speak to.

Still, mining in space... pretty cool. And the legal discussion around it will also give IR people a nice distraction for the next 150 odd years.

Reason #284 that I refuse to work on certain conflicts

News out of the Middle East today: the Lebanese have one upped the Israelis in producing the world's largest vat of hummus, followed up by the world's largest tabbouleh. This is apparently a source of national pride and some allege is a powerful repudiation of Zionism.

See, there are legitimate grievances, and then there is fucking absurdity. You figure out which of those categories is best applied in this case.

This particular conflict resolution professional refuses to work with the blatantly petty.

(Then again, this particular conflict resolution professional isn't doing any conflict resolution work, whatsoever, so maybe we should consider a change of policy.)

Quickie: Farmboys for the Foreign Service

Have you never left the country? Do you not even know what a passport looks like, let alone have one? Is the only Stan you're familiar with the guy that runs the service station down the road? And do directions to your home involve the phrase "turn off the paved road"?

Well, congratulations, my friend. You're in luck.

The U.S. Department of State wants you!

Apparently, doing background checks on people who have actually left the country takes too long, and thus even if they're hired, they don't get to work! Thus, farmboys and farmgirls, now is your chance to make it big. Represent the best of America by being the official face of your country abroad.

But act fast! The more you travel, the harder you are to hire.

No apology necessary: An open letter to Norway

Dear Norway:

We haven't met, but I hear your country is both beautiful and obscenely expensive. The individual Norwegians I've met along the way have been impressive, so I'm gonna chalk that up to your overall character.

Now, down to business. Last week, one of your brilliant diplomats in New York wrote a brilliant confidential memo to the folks in Oslo about how UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon is basically a waste of carbon-based molecules. That memo leaked, and of course was immediately posted to every corner of the internet. Now your foreign minister is apologizing for the whole deal.

Frankly, I think no apologies are necessary. Ambassador Mona Juul, the memo's author, was merely speaking the truth (and speaking it well, I might add). For that, she needs a promotion, and you don't need to apologize.

Remember, Norway, to always speak truth to power (remember your brilliant overthrow of the Swedes?), even if it's just puppet power.

Most respectfully,

Jason

Sarko goes to Moscow

Did anyone else find this morning's op-ed by Nicolas Sarkozy to be just a wee bit laughable? I mean, of course it was self-serving and self-congratulatory -- it was a statement by a politician -- but still, M. le President's grasp on reality seems a touch questionable.

The way Sarkozy sees it, he stood up and led Europe into action (albeit about 3 days late, according to his timeline) to stand up to the big, bad, overly exuberant Russians and the strategically inept Georgians and tell them who was boss. He even foolishly suggests that now that the hard work of signing cease-fire has been taken care of, the UN Security Council can step in and make things better, as though that has any chance of happening given the Council's membership. To his credit, Sarkozy suggests that not everything in his six-point plan is going along on schedule, but no matter, Europe proved its muster and is now ready for an even bigger Brussels-based bureacracy that can be even faster than Sarkozy and Kouchner (yes, I too thought that leap was a bit much).

What really seems to have happened is that the young Napoleon didn't talk to big, bad Russia; he talked to little, bad Russia. Meanwhile, the Russian army seems to have confused the words"retreat" and "advance." So you enjoy patting yourself on the back, Sarko (you too, Condi). I think the rest of us non-politician types will stick with paying attention to actual events.

Dr. Livingstone, I presume?

The spiraling situation in Zimbabwe is of course a gross violation of virtually every tenet of democracy, but the rhetoric surrounding the whole affair may be even more frustrating for the casual observer like me. Just today, EU leaders lectured a SADC meeting about the need to do something to bring Mugabe into line and accept defeat. Yet for all the high-flying rhetoric about how somebody should do something, nobody seems to know 1) who should do said something, and 2) what that something might be. The West seems fairly certain that the SADC countries and/or the African Union as a whole should do the ambiguous thing, but haven't really said what the thing is. Meanwhile, the whole thing does have whiffs of colonialism floating about. The West says to the Africans "jump!" and then get annoyed when they don't respond with "how high?"

Basically, Mugabe, and more importantly, the security apparatus that supports him, are going to have to be engaged -- perhaps even threatened -- over the consequences of perpetuating their electoral farce. Rather than passing the buck as to who should act in some ambiguous way, some other nation needs to step up to the plate. South Africa is the logical choice here, but clearly that's not going to happen. Meanwhile, continuing declarations to the effect of "this is someone else's problem" doesn't do anyone in Zimbabwe any good.

Intestinal fortitude, anyone?

Your strategy quote of the day

From here:

Strategically, this would appear to lie beyond carrots and sticks and somewhat closer to a really big log.

More later.

Happy Bastille Day!

Are you an unsatisfied peasant in a regime that thinks of you as merely a source of tax revenue? Are you a middle class merchant who finds your upward mobility hampered by an entrenched and corrupt elite? Did some obnoxious wealthy woman tell you to eat cake when she found out your children were without bread? Will you do absolutely anything to preserve your 35 hour work week and five weeks of vacation?

If any or all of these describe you, storm your nearest fortified prison with a few thousand of your closest friends and make your voice heard!

Alternatively, go out, get really drunk, and watch the French Maid Relay.

Communist plot stymied! Butterstick stays!

In fabulous news this morning, we learn that Tai Shan, nee Butterstick, won't be deported this year. We'll probably get another two years of cuddly rumbly fun with him.

Personally, I think that since Butterstick was born in the U.S., he's entitled to American citizenship, and thus shouldn't even be threatened with deportation. Of course, anti-immigration types are gonna bitch about an unending sea of pandas pouring across our borders to get free health care and good educations for their cubs. These people are clearly deranged and hate children, puppies, and the American way. Nonetheless, look for a silly proposal to build a 700 mile wall along our border with China sometime in the near future. I think Tian Tian and Mei Xiang have earned their keep, and should be entitled to some sort of guest worker status. They did, after all, provide millions of Americans with the chance to view the cutest baby ever.

Help for the UN, version 1.0

It seems as though your world peace and security apparatus is dysfunctional.

What would you like to do?

1) Plead with the world's only remaining superpower to stop ignoring it whenever said superpower can't get its way.

2) Send yet another terse letter to that pesky African dictator who keeps thwarting its plans, reminding him that the decisions of the peace and security apparatus are legally binding.

3) Create another committee, to create subcommittees, to think about how one might make the peace and security apparatus less resemblant of the Stone Age.

4) Outsource to regional conglomerates, regardless of capabilities.

5) Have Lakhdar Brahimi make it work -- they don't call him Mr. Fix-it for nothing.

6) Replace all apparatus members with high school students and hope that they can do better.

Photo from here.

OMG, diplomats have sex

I know this has already been written about elsewhere.

But...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

It was crazy kinky sex too.

They had to take the ball gag from his mouth to get his name!

Now, if only the Googles would give me a photo of this man so my laughter could continue.

Breaking: U.S. suddenly gives a damn about UN Security Council

Following the current scuffle with North Korea (DPRK) has been, for me, an amusing exercise in watching the United States come grovelling to the UN because it now has virtually no leverage to act independently on anything but routine trading of back scratches.

After a week of wrangling, the U.S. yesterday finally pushed through a resolution sanctioning the DPRK. Then, immediately after the vote was cast, China stepped out and said something to the effect of, "by the way, we're not going to participate in the shipment inspections regime mandated in the resolution." Ambassador John Bolton's response was absolutely hilarious:

“I can’t believe that China won’t adhere to obligations that the Security Council has imposed.”

Seriously, reading that almost made me fall out of my chair. To think that any country, let alone one of the permanent five members of the SC, would have the audacity to ignore all or part of a resolution that is technically legally binding. Whatever is the world coming to?